Making it Through our Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Season

Lately I've been wondering what Alexander would think of our current Covid-19 situation. I'm pretty sure he'd have some strong opinions. When my kids were younger, Judith Viorst's iconic book was often the perfect antidote to a bad mood. The act of naming all the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things that happened to Alexander was cathartic. Lima beans, ruined plans, kissing on TV, and having to wear your most hated pajamas were just a few of the trials Alexander had to face. He thinks the solution might be to move to Australia, and no one argues with him. But the magic of the book is that there was no simple solution that fixed everything in the end. No one tried to change Alexander's mood or tell him to count his blessings. After his final "It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," his mom says "some days are like that. Even in Australia."

While I have not based my entire parenting philosophy on Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, I think it gives us a start as to how we address the challenges our kids are currently facing -- by accepting negative emotions. But I must draw on a little developmental science so that we can move beyond Alexander's bad day and help our kids channel the negative into emotionally healthy ways of dealing with the current pandemic stress -- and other stressors life will bring their way.

Step 1: Accept the terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad

One of the most salient themes in Viorst's book is the repetition of negative emotions. But as a culture, what do we work so hard to suppress? Negative emotions! Often, the younger a child is, the more free they are to express these emotions. Our role in the younger years is to help them name these emotions so that they can learn the language associated with what they are feeling. But not every child is as expressive as Alexander. We may see their emotions in obvious ways, like tantrums, tears, or expressed worries, or in less overt ways, such as headaches or stomach upset or irritability.

We accept these negative emotions by naming them and sitting with them. I don't mean we are wallowing around in sadness or anger, but we are calmly sitting with our child and allowing him or her to feel these feelings, even when it is uncomfortable for us. Having the words to identify big feelings gives us power over them. We can experience sadness, or anger, or frustration and move through it. If the emotion has no name and is quickly shunted to the side in place of a distraction or happier emotion, we teach our children to avoid negative feelings at all cost rather than work through them.

The message to avoid negative emotions has often been received by our older children, and you may notice that they are more likely to internalize their negative feelings and release them in the form of criticism or generalized negativity or annoyance with little (and big) things. In these situations, acknowledge that their behavior doesn't seem like them and ask questions related to how (virtual) school is going or how they are managing friendships or whether they've got something on their mind. This allows an open space for them to think about their underlying feelings. They may or may not choose to share these feelings, but by allowing that their behavior could be a result of inner emotions, you are letting them direct energy toward that rather than toward conflict with you.

Step 2: Let emotions have motion

When an infant is upset, one can often resolve the issue in one of five ways: feed her, burp her, change her, comfort her, or put her to sleep. The presence of a caring adult is necessary to regulate an infant's emotional state. As children get older, these five strategies may still work, but there is more complexity. Children are becoming more independent and self-aware, and are learning strategies for how to deal with stress and anxiety.

Since stress is a normal part of life, it is important to learn how to regulate oneself from high emotional arousal to baseline calm. By first acknowledging the terrible, we name the feeling so that we can face it. Next -- and particularly salient for negative emotions -- is what to do with the feeling. Some children may want to talk about it, but others may need to work out their feelings in a physical way. This can be particularly effective when dealing with sadness or anxiety. Physicality can be calm, as in noticing or touching 5 things in your vicinity or drawing a picture of how you feel, or it can be more energetic, as in hitting a punching bag or playdough or clay, or going for a run or walk in nature. The key is to understand that different strategies will work differently for your child, depending on his temperament, age, and preferences. Keep trying until you find something that feels good and allows the expression of emotion. Finding these positive strategies instead of ignoring or pushing negative feelings inside, will set your child up for healthy resilience now and for the stressors they will encounter throughout their life.

Step 3: Find meaningful moments

Recently, I was struck by the work of David Kessler, a leading expert in the stages of grief. A widely circulated interview with him suggested that the discomfort many of us are feeling in this uncertain age of COVID-19 may be grief. He and his co-author, the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, posited five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Recently, Kessler has come out with a sixth stage -- Meaning. Here is how he views our current global crisis:

"What we're in is horrible. It is temporary. There is no storm that doesn't end. There is no night that is not followed by day. And we can grow from this."^a

He believes that sadness, grief, and negativity are emotions we can handle when we name them and face them. A lesson we can learn is that none of these emotions lasts forever. Our job then, as parents, is not to make the negative emotions go away, but to ultimately find a purpose in them and "become bigger through it."^a

As I reflect on our current situation, I don't believe that we will look back and see this as a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season of life. Will there be lingering pain from those we've lost and from the hardships experienced? Yes. But I truly believe we will look back with nostalgia at this time of our life when we were forced to slow down, spend loads of time with our immediate family, and discover who we are are what matters most to us. Even in Australia.

^aQuote from an interview with Dan Harris. Audio can be found here.