How do you show up as a parent in a world that is out of whack?
/In March I wrote about resilience and how that would be our theme this spring. And how! If only my future self could have explained to my past self what the coming months would require! I think we've all been digging DEEP to find our inner strength and working hard to help our kids do the same. I was hoping the 2-week, "stay home, stay healthy" order was all we needed and that life would soon be back to normal. But here we are, and if we're among the lucky ones we've weathered cancelled plans and disappointed kids and social distancing and no school and new routines. We've likely had some pleasant discoveries too, like finding new hobbies or realizing a hidden talent of baking or knitting or having time to play outside with your kids on a random Tuesday afternoon.
But as the days drag on and the future seems uncertain and our news highlights the fact that racism is rampant and deadly in our nation, more and more parents and schools are asking me, "How do I show up as a parent in this world that is out of whack?"
The research is very clear on this. The number one thing children need during times of extreme stress and uncertainty is a safe, stable, nurturing relationship with a caring adult. That person is YOU.
And we can’t be nurturing and stable if we are hurting or buckling under the weight of extreme stress.
So I want you to put yourself on your list of priorities right now. I want you to understand that self care is not selfish, but essential during this time.a And I’m not talking about the self care that involves hairdressers and nail salons and massages (since these guys are closed right now anyway). Self care is figuring out what works best for you to relieve your stress.
How do you reduce your stress level?
At the beginning of these stay at home orders — when I thought I was just looking at two weeks — I had so much energy. I was baking cookies and doing puzzles and helping my kids with schoolwork. But as the two weeks became four, then six, and now seemingly indefinite, I started feeling a mild nausea I couldn’t explain, a general malaise, a lack of purpose and hope, and no sense of what day it was.
Perhaps you felt or are feeling those things too. That is stress, impacting our bodies and our mental health. Perhaps it has been even more difficult for you — juggling full-time work from home, the death or illness of a loved one, or the loss or reduction of family income. Regardless of where you are on the continuum of health and economic impacts during this time, it is important to think about what helps alleviate your stress levels, write it down, and attempt to inject more of those things in your daily routines.
Stress is a normal part of life and is usually tolerable when we feel we can manage it and have a sense of agency in alleviating it. Stress becomes toxic when it does not let up and when we feel no support to get through each day.
So, how do we keep stress in the tolerable category rather than the toxic one?
We are all impacted by the current global health and economic crisis, but there is a wide range of how each of us are affected and how each of us react to our current reality. I also want to acknowledge that I do not have to deal with the stress of racism and prejudice in my daily life as others do. It is an added layer of stress that families of color have to endure. In the same way that stress impacts people differently, we each handle and alleviate our stress in different ways. To that end, I will share ways that have worked for others and you can decide what might be a good fit for you.
Breathing. Our bodies have an amazing physiological calming response when we breathe in a way that maximizes our out-breath. By simply breathing in for 3 counts and breathing out for 4 or 5, you tell your body it is OK to calm down. Some people find that practicing mindfulness, meditation, prayer, or listening to calming music can have the same effect. I list helpful resources each month in my newsletter, but you can also find a review of mindfulness apps here.
Physical Activity and/or Time Outside. Moving your body and being in nature are two proven methods for reducing stress and increasing endorphin activity in the brain. Some people find they need more aerobic activity, while others find that stretching or yoga works best for them. Combining physical activity with time in nature can give you an added boost when your stress levels are high.
Meaningful, Fun, or Creative Outlets. I noticed that with the added responsibilities that came with staying at home, I lacked the time to pursue meaningful work. This took a toll on me even though it took me a while to determine what was happening. Perhaps your current job fulfills all the mental energy you have and you desire time to engage in more fun or creativity. Art, knitting, gardening, playing an instrument, or baking can all fulfill a creative need. Choose what works for you, and start easy, because high amounts of stress diminish the capabilities of our prefrontal cortex (e.g., higher-level thinking). Fun, laughter, dancing, and silliness can also help lift our spirits. Brainstorm with your family on how to incorporate more of this in your routines. You don't have to figure it all out -- some of our best ideas for dealing with staying at home came from the kids. (The best one for us has been family "hoops" most nights after dinner. None of us are great at basketball, so we all have a pretty even chance of winning, and 100% chance of laughing at ourselves!)
Relationships. At the start of the pandemic, I wrote about how to help cultivate resilience in our kids. Maintaining deep connections with peers is an important way to support resilience. Parents need this as well. The quality of our relationships help us deal with stress and reframe particularly down or negative moods so that we can be our most supportive selves when helping our kids.
Asking for Help. Perhaps you have identified a few things you think will reduce your stress, but there is a disconnect between what you need and what you are able to receive. This is where we need to ask for help. If you have a partner, can you discuss how to share some of the challenge you are facing? One thing I’ve learned from extended forced time together is that our partners cannot always read our minds or see our internalized stress levels. Opening up a conversation about it allows you to work through some solutions. Help can also be found in your larger communities — neighbors, other parents, houses of worship, school groups. Although we may not be physically close to these groups, we can find support through phone or video calls. During normal times, we invest so much in building up our local communities and networks. It might be time to draw on those resources now, when you are feeling stretched thin and depleted.
This is also a great time to involve your children in household tasks and responsibilities. Rather than viewing this as a big ask and a pain and a chore, make household work part of your family’s purpose at home. This gives kids a sense of accomplishment and belonging.
Perhaps you are in the fortunate position of feeling great right now. If so, use your strength to reach out to those who may need some support or encouragement. For me, it often depends on the day. In fact, I’ve had days when I’ve needed to ask for help and also been in a position to help others. Those are the best days. To be grounded and humbled in my humanity, yet still able to be there for others in need...
...that is how we show up as parents in this world that is out of whack.
“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’” - Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
a For more on "Self Care is not Selfish" listen to The Brain Architects podcast.
