This SPRING is all about resilience

I’m trying something new today. It’s called “don’t turn on the news first thing.” So far, it’s pretty great. I’m noticing the sunrise and enjoying the quietness of the house. I’m thinking about the day and how to inject a little fun and whimsy in between the online classes my older two are taking. I have time to be still and meditate. I have time to write.

And this is what I’d like to say...

Don’t forget that this is SPRING.

March 19th is the official first day of spring in 2020 for the northern hemisphere. The official start time for spring is 11:50pm but let’s not dwell on that. I’m going to celebrate the whole day. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, it is the earliest spring in 124 years. Can we take that as a sign? A sign that new beginnings are happening. A statement that winter is OVER (sorry, Game of Thrones) and nature is going to put on a show, no matter what chaos your inner and outer world may be feeling right now. The image I have of spring is tied closely to a scene from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, one of my favorite childhood books. Aslan the lion has been killed by the The White Witch. The kids who witnessed the death — Susan and Lucy — had a dark and terrible night.

“I hope no one who reads this book has been quite as miserable as Susan and Lucy were that night; but if you have been — if you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.” - C.S. Lewis

And after the terrible night, Aslan comes back to life. The part that has stayed with me is not from the book, but from the old animated movie I saw as a child. Everywhere Aslan jumps, flowers appear. As he gallops off to save Narnia from the White Witch with the girls on his back, flowers bloom, trees spread their leaves, and grass grows. It is spring on steroids and I want that in my life.

Especially now.

I’m not turning a blind eye to the suffering of so many during this time. What I am saying is that we can still experience spring even when life is unpredictable and challenging. Globally, people are getting sick, the financial markets are a mess. Personally, you may be experiencing big stressors or the onslaught of many small stressors that add up. Is it difficult to work from home while entertaining/corralling/monitoring your kids at home? Yes.

But will we also see more creativity, ingenuity, compassion, and generosity than we thought we or others were capable of? Yes. Because that is a by-product of going through difficulty. That is the spring that comes after a long winter. That is the character that surfaces when we face hard things and make it through to the other side.

So how do we frame this for our kids?

I see (and at times am guilty of) two mistakes parents often make: Pollyanna or Debbie Downer parenting.

Pollyanna does not acknowledge the dark night, the sadness, and the suffering and wants everyone to just look at the bright side and be happy. She only notices the silver lining, the upside, and the positives.

Debbie Downer makes sure everyone knows about the dangers – real and imagined – and the suffering we and others are experiencing. If you haven’t mentioned a potential pitfall in a plan, she will be sure to point it out to you.

But we need to balance both extremes. As parents, we can acknowledge that online schooling (or no schooling at all) can be a drag. There are definitely aspects that are challenging and glitchy and lack the social engagement you get when in class. But can we think of any upsides? PJs all day long. Doodling. Watching videos at 1.5x speed to get through a boring lecture. Getting homework done before 3pm. Taking breaks to make chocolate chip cookies.

Social distancing and self-quarantining are not fun. We suffer when we don’t have face-to-face interaction with our friends. It makes us sad. It makes us not feel good about other things, like doing homework or getting outside or trying to exercise. But can we see that we are helping others in this sacrifice? We are being responsible friends and neighbors and citizens when we are extra careful about not spreading “the virus.”

Being stuck with our family can also have upsides. Having the down time to play Bananagrams or puzzles or karaoke or silly TikToks (I see you, Amy!) adds joy and laughter to dull days. These activities may get eye-rolls now, but will become fond memories when we get through this. And we will get through it. The negatives are real and may make us feel awful. But we aren’t getting the whole picture if we dwell on only the negatives.

Connection to parents, friends, nature, and self

Instead of overemphasizing the positive or negative, focus instead on where your child is. Stress is a normal part of life and is a building block to developing resilience. Daily stressors allow our kids the opportunities to grow, fail, and recover. But what about these larger stressors we are all facing in different ways? The National Scientific Counsel on the Developing Child at Harvard University found that it is not so much the nature of stress that affects children, but the length of time children experience it and whether there are supportive adults in the child's life who help them recover. With regard to Covid-19, there is little we can do to impact the length of time this will affect our communities (well, aside from staying home!) But there is a lot we can do to build and strengthen the connection we have with our children.

Connection is of utmost importance at this time and is vital in helping our kids work through stressors and emerge resilient. When we emotionally connect with our kids, we take the time to listen. We try to understand what their struggles are and do our best to refrain from trying to lecture, fix, convince, or change their mind. Sometimes sitting with them in their feelings is all they need or want. We can connect in simple ways, by creating moments in each day for 1-on-1 time when anything or nothing can be discussed, or more structured ways, like having time at family dinner when each person talks about their highs and lows of the day (or draw from a conversation jar, like this family).

The older our children are, the more important their peer relationships become. It is tricky to help our kids maintain these connections in the time of social distancing, but it is possible. Encourage deeper connections, via FaceTime or Zoom, so kids can talk to their friends. Shallow connections like Instagram and Snapchat allow them to maintain weak links with others, but shouldn't be their main form of connection with friends.

Connecting to nature is another proven stress-reducer and resilience-booster. This is another reason to celebrate the fact that this is spring! Build time outside into your family's daily schedule to ensure that your children are receiving its benefits. A local grandma has set up a private Facebook site where she posts a nature or garden activity each day. Message me to get added to the group if you need ideas.

And finally, without time to connect to one's self, it is very difficult to handle the emotions that come with stress. Do you have time to breathe, pray, or meditate? These still moments give us the emotional strength to tackle the challenges ahead. As they say, put your oxygen mask on first, then for your child. Once you've set up a practice for yourself, you can help your child begin. In my newsletter this month, I list many resources for you and your child to practice mindfulness.

This spring we are all facing challenges of varying degrees. I encourage you to see these challenges as opportunities for building resilience and connection in your family. You may even consider this spring as G. K. Chesterton might: "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered."