Building a meaningful (and not just a happy) life

This is the time of year we often reevaluate our life's goals, set new resolutions, and begin a fresh start. I love all of that -- resolutions, determinations, and goals for the new year. But before we jump headlong into planning the next family vacation, signing up for Zumba, or swearing off meat products, let’s take a look at what science says about what creates a happy life.

Actually, let’s begin by questioning whether happiness should be our main goal and how the message of happiness as the “end-all, be-all” may have a negative impact on our kids. Happiness is often defined as “a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive emotions.” Thus, pursuing happiness is a process of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain. Our modern understanding of happiness has been hijacked by marketing firms and self-help gurus who convince us that we can buy happiness or at least try really hard with daily habits to manufacture it. That is far from the philosophy of our founding fathers when they declared that among our inalienable rights were “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” Their pursuit of happiness was less about material possessions and checking the boxes on your to-do list and more about freedom from physical and mental pain in order to find contentment and gratefulness.¹

Happiness is an emotion we enjoy and embrace, but should it be our ultimate goal? Is it even possible or desirable to maintain a consistent emotion over time? And are we sending the wrong message to our children when the positive emotion of happiness is held up above all the other normal — but perhaps not as enjoyable — emotions?

Here's a few problems with happiness as a goal:

1. Happiness is an emotion.

No emotional state is constant. In fact, that is truism that when embraced, can be freeing, especially for those who are experiencing emotions they’d rather not. Emotions change and vary over time. To catch it and make it stick is like trying to “keep a wave upon the sand.” (To borrow the wise words of Rodgers & Hammerstein)

2. We are bad at reporting how happy we are, how happy we were, or predicting how happy we'll be.

Harvard psychologist, Dan Gilbert, has designed numerous experiments that address “impact bias,” the tendency for our brain to make us believe that different outcomes are more different that they really are. Both good and bad events have far less impact and intensity than people predict they will. This is because our brains “synthesize” happiness. And it is one of the reasons that one year after either winning the lottery (theoretically happy event) or becoming a paraplegic (theoretically unhappy event), winners and paraplegics reported equal levels of happiness with their lives.²

3. Normal human life includes lots of emotions.

When we give value only to positive emotions, we are not building the skills of emotional resiliency we need to weather the difficulties life inevitably throws our way. Identifying and expressing emotions is a developmental skill that we help our kids achieve. Big, negative emotions are a huge issue, especially in the toddler and adolescent years. With parents of toddlers, expressing and feeling those big emotions is usually a daily occurrence. We help kids through this by acknowledging their feelings, allowing them to feel the emotion, empathizing, and problem-solving later on when the feelings have passed. It would be ludicrous and ineffective to tell a child in melt-down mode to “just be happy.” But are our adolescents getting the same message? With depression and anxiety on the rise, are we working toward acknowledging and understanding negative emotions and what we can do with them? Or are we sending our teens the message to just smile, be happy, and focus on the things that will look good on their college application?

4. The “Happiness Industry” is really the Habits Industry.

...probably because “Habits” doesn’t sound as fun as “Happiness.” The people who write about happiness almost always write about habits to stay happy. So, if someone doesn’t feel happy, does that mean they are just not trying hard enough? This brings to mind the tragic story of Maddy Holleran, a student athlete at Penn who died by suicide with a copy of The Happiness Project in her car. I have nothing against healthy daily habits. They may get you out of a slump, but might not be the right tool when dealing with clinical depression or anxiety.

So, for today and the coming year, I am not going to set my sights on simple “happiness,” but on building a meaningful life

I’m not opposed to happiness or daily habits — in fact, I want both in my life — but I want to encourage you (and myself) to strive for building a meaningful life and, in the process, model for out kids how to do the same. A meaningful life goes deeper than the (at times) superficial goal of minimizing pain and maximizing pleasure. It is a life that is tied to your values, held together through meaningful relationships, and transcends the day-to-day drudgery we often feel.

Three characteristics of a meaningful life include:

1. Sense of purpose

Understanding your values is the first step to understanding what will give your life meaning. This takes a while and is usually a work in progress. If you are feeling adrift and unsure about what is important to you, it can be helpful to put some thought into what values resonate the most for you. Once you have identified them, it is easier to put into practice habits and behaviors that allow you to live out those values. I love the values exercise and inventory here for thinking through what is most important to you. It can also be a fun family activity. (As a side note, I alway recommend the value of Grace. The mantras, "We learn from our mistakes," or "we forgive ourselves and others," are essential for developing a growth mindset and for those unfortunate moments when you realize you just spent 3 hours binge-watching The Crown when you could have been living your best life.)

2. Feelings of belonging

Human beings are social animals. We thrive when we are in close, loving relationships with others, and we suffer if we are in abusive relationships or no relationship at all. As a developmental psychologist, I cannot underscore enough the importance of the initial attachment relationship between child and parent. By the end of their first year of life, the majority of children have formed a secure attachment with their parent. This initial attachment becomes the blueprint from which we approach future social and romantic relationships. At every stage of development, we grow and thrive when we feel a deep sense of belonging with others.

3. Believing there is “more than this provincial life”

(aka, Transcendence) Belle may not have been the first to put forth this idea, but the image of her walking about her little town singing, “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere... I want so much more than they’ve got planned,” gave me and lots of other misfits hope when they felt odd in relation to their community. Many of us find transcendence in our faith and in the belief that this world is not all there is. Others find transcendence in teaching the next generation, working for social justice and equality, or other forms of service in line with their values.

I have only begun to touch on the complexities involved in building a life of meaning. I hope to explore this more in the coming year. For now, my challenge to you is to question the goal of happiness. Why shoot for happiness if it appears to be a moving target that we’re not great at defining? Why not accept the beauty and inevitability of a wide range of emotions? And ground yourself in seeking meaning for your life? What are your values? How are you nurturing your closest relationships? How do you connect to the transcendent? It’s actually not about aiming for a single target, but grounding yourself in the deeply important aspects of life and building from there.

¹Cody Delistraty has an excellent essay about "the happiness ruse" here.

²You can view his outrageously popular TED Talk here.