February is Grit Month because I love THE OLYMPICS. One cannot watch the amazing feats performed by these athletes without considering the passion and perseverance necessary to get them to PyeongChang and the Olympic stage. This is Part 3 in a 4-part series on Grit. I’ve written about why nurturing grit in our children is important, and how passion is the foundation of grit, so today we turn to the hard work and effort necessary in the path to GRIT. My current poster child for grit is Aliona Savchenko, the Ukranian-born pairs skater who competes for Germany. She and her partner, Bruno Massot, just won the gold medal. What makes her story remarkable is that this was her FIFTH time at the winter Olympics. She did not give up. The level of grit needed to perform at such a high level for well over 20 years is mind-boggling. She is truly one-of-a-kind. Although her level of passion and perseverance may be out of reach for most of us, building this capacity for hard work and determination is a skill worth nurturing in our children.

I caution parents against skipping over the importance of play, exploration, and downtime in the early years so that they can groom their child to become the next Savchenko, Mikaela Shiffrin, Yo Yo Ma, Venus Williams or Steve Jobs. Sidestepping passion and jumping to deliberate practice is a mistake that can backfire in the long run (see my exerpt from the Tiger Mom). But if you have allowed your child the time and space to find something he or she loves, you can now focus on building a capacity for deliberate practice. Developmentally speaking, the middle school years are the prime time for expanding perseverance through deliberate practice, although you can implement the building blocks of grit even earlier, as I’ll explain below.

K. Anders Ericsson has spent his career studying individuals who perform at the highest level in their fields, and has determined that “deliberate practice,” rather than innate talent, is what sets apart experts from those who are average. He defines deliberate practice as “a highly structured activity, the explicit goal of which is to improve performance” (Ericsson et al., 1993). This type of practice is carefully monitored, requires extreme effort, and is not particularly enjoyable. Coaches are necessary to provide immediate feedback and design specific tasks to overcome weaknesses. Ericsson suggests that the full realization of the benefits of deliberate practice are not seen for at least 10 years. Although you may not see the immediate result of your efforts for a decade or more, it is during the elementary and middle school years when we lay the foundation to build our child’s capacity for deliberate practice.

How can I build my child’s capacity for deliberate practice?

In order to have the capacity for deliberate practice, your child needs to build resilience, maintain focus, and develop self control. In the paragraphs that follow, I provide a brief overview on how we can do this.

First, The Hard Thing Rule. This comes from Angela Duckworth, the preeminent researcher on grit. She probably came up with this rule shortly after she observed her 4-year-old give up when opening a box of raisins proved too difficult. We use this rule in my family as well.

Here it is:

Everyone in the family (including mom & dad) has to do a hard thing. A hard thing is something that requires daily deliberate practice. (The younger the child, the more you can fudge on the “daily” or “deliberate” part of this formula. Remember: it’s passion you want to nurture first.)
You are allowed to quit – but only when the season/session/tuition payment is over and you’ve chosen a new hard thing.
You choose your hard thing. No one picks it for you.

The Hard Thing Rule is brilliant. It allows your child agency in choosing her passion — she picks the hard thing — while allowing for the possibility that this emerging interest may change. It requires hard work, but puts the ownership in the hands of the one doing the work.

Second, build a growth mindset. Again, this is a broad and complicated topic (popularized by Carol Dweck), so I am giving you an overview. Most of us view our intelligence or athletic abilities with either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. A fixed mindset views traits such as intelligence or talent as innate; you either have it or you don’t. Mistakes show that you do not have that innate ability. Challenges are avoided because failure could prove that you aren’t as great as you thought you were. Contrast that with a growth mindset, in which intelligence and ability are areas you can grow in and improve upon with hard work and practice. Mistakes become part of the process of learning. Challenges are opportunities to grow and learn. When you see your child struggling and working hard to solve a problem – praise the process and the effort and the perseverance you see – not just the end product. It’s not JUST praising the process; it’s also working through the mechanics. “Hmm, if this section was hard for you, let’s look at what you aren’t understanding. Do you have any other strategies?” When your child does well at something, or comments to you that math is easy or that he is smart, ask him what he learned at school today. Redirect the focus so that he knows you are more interested in process than in the end result.

Third, create and protect quiet, uninterrupted time. At every stage in development, our children need downtime to regroup, daydream, and quiet their minds. These are the moments of creativity and imagination and exploring interests. The ubiquitous presence of screens and phones and tablets often robs our children of these moments. Make these quiet moments part of your everyday routine.

Fourth, make sure life isn’t too easy. Emerson said it best: “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.” We are so conditioned to minimize pain, discomfort, stress, and fear in our children, that we forget that conquering – or even just facing stressful things – is actually the secret of life. Of a life of confidence and courage. Think about what your child is responsible for at home. What expectations – other than simply academic – do you have for your son or daughter? If they do not contribute at home, are not required to do simple chores, and have no expectations in terms of their role as a family member, then not only will they fail to develop grit and resilience, but they will also lack a sense of belonging and significance in the family. And that can lead to issues such as depression, anxiety, and drug use.

On one hand, the concepts I’m discussing here may seem obvious — of course you want to encourage your child to face challenges and be tough and develop resilience. But in the moment, it is really hard to do. Many times, it makes our lives easier if we just do the hard thing, or say “Good job! You’re smart!” or succumb to the constant pull of distractions in our lives and our children’s lives, or do all the chores. But character and grit and resilience come from going through difficult things. And allowing your child to experience and get through those difficult things now is much kinder and loving than sending them off into the world with no skills to tackle the hardships we all face.

Links to the series on Grit (this is Part 3 in the 4-part series):