The Passion Needed for Grit Comes from Play

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If you read my last blog post, then you might recall that we talked about grit. Candidly, grit is the topic du jour among psychologists, people who want to sell books, people who write blogs, and people who raise children. So this is my second installment on the topic of Grit, and I make no apologies; people want to talk about it, hear about it and learn about it, so I might as well join the conversation.

By now, I suspect you have a general conception of what grit is — it’s the inner fortitude some people have that enables them to focus single-mindedly on a long-term goal or objective.  It is what often separates wildly successful individuals from those who are doing ok.

Once parents learn more about grit and decide it is something that 1) seems important and 2) their kids lack, things can go awry.  How on earth will my 7-year-old, who doesn’t like to take out the trash if it’s raining, ever become a person of grit?  How does my daughter, who quit Tae Kwon Do after one session because the “mats were sticky,” ever develop the toughness needed for grit?

Many of us want to jump to the “toughening up” part of grit — the hard work, determination, perseverance, and resilience required.  

But we neglect the foundation of grit — Passion.

As I discussed in the first article of this series, Grit is *passion* and perseverance in pursuit of a long-term goal.  It takes decades to develop, but the key area to focus on in the early years is the development of interest or passion.  It is through play and exploration and tinkering that our children first begin to realize what interests them and what they enjoy. Fostering these emerging interests over time allows them to develop a passion.  

The good news is that seeking novelty, nuance, and differences in the world is a basic human drive.  Babies are born with a natural urge to search out new and novel things.  You don’t have to create this drive in your child; it’s innate. But there are ways we can derail or squelch an emerging interest.

Let’s examine the biggest parenting pitfalls in our children’s development of interests:

  • Distractions

  • Forcing our agenda

  • Too much too fast

Distractions can come in many forms.  It could be the pull of an electronic device or screen — or the embedded ads or hyperlinks within those devices — that compete for your child’s undivided attention.  It could be a chaotic environment, with background noise and unpredictable interruptions.  It could also come in the form of a well-meaning caregiver or parent. Janet Lansbury, who is always reminding her readers how often we interrupt our kids in ways we don’t even realize, shared a poignant video that illustrates the perfect setting for allowing our children to develop interests.  As you watch, however, note your instincts and how you might have responded, had you been in the room with Ruby.

 

About 30 seconds into this video, I was ready for Ruby to grab that toy and be done.  I would have scooted it a bit closer to her or, within the one minute mark, would have handed it to her and said what an awesome kid she was — aiming for that toy for so long and not getting upset! She would have learned that there are large people in the world who swoop in to give you things you can’t get for yourself.  Instead, Ruby learned that focus, determination, and perseverance will get you what you want.  She learned that she is capable.  And her interest in an object was rewarded through her own effort.  

It seems like such a small thing, but it is not.  It is in quiet, uninterrupted moments that our children have space and time to explore, to expand their attention, to practice self-control and perseverance.  

How often does your child have quiet, uninterrupted moments?

Forcing our agenda is another way we stifle emerging interests. Perhaps you were a failed gymnast or a fantastic soccer player.  Maybe you got a football scholarship to college or studied violin at Juilliard.  Your passion will not necessarily become your child’s passion.  The surest way to stifle an emerging interest is to impose an external layer on the intrinsic interest your child may have.  Amy Chua, the self-proclaimed “Tiger Mom,” may disagree with me. But even she was willing to acknowledge that her dogged pursuit of excellence on behalf of her daughters ultimately led one of them to turn from the very thing Chua was priming her to excel in – the violin. Years of power struggles over the violin came to a crashing end, and her daughter Lulu finally stated, “you picked it, not me.”

We can also stifle our children’s early interests by doing too much too fast. It is through play and exploration and tinkering that our children first begin to realize what it is they enjoy.  We can ruin a nascent passion for something by requiring more than is developmentally appropriate.  This became crystal clear to me when my 1st grader, who was beginning to love soccer, was asked to join a club team that would practice three times a week, year round.  I knew that a sure-fire way for her to hate soccer would be to force her to work like a pro when her initial love for the game was only beginning.  Developmentally speaking, vocational interests and passions usually emerge in middle and high school — so allow the early years to be the time to explore lots of options so that your child can discover what they enjoy through play.

I’ve written a lot about what NOT to do, so here are some actionable steps of what we CAN do to cultivate our children’s natural instinct to seek their passion:

  1. Allow agency. Even if the choice is between 2 or 3 options, let your child have a voice in what he or she does for fun.

  2. Encourage experimentation. Is it hard to get your child to try a new thing, even if you think he will love it? Set the expectation that, in our family, we try new things. You can start small. For example, this summer as you look for activities for your child, require one of them to be something she has never done before.

  3. Be OK with mistakes and imperfection. Harsh criticism when your child is just beginning a new thing can crush a new-found interest.

  4. Create quite, uninterrupted time for your child. At every stage in development, our children need down time to regroup, daydream, and quiet their minds. These are the moments of creativity and imagination and exploring interests. The ubiquitous presence of screens and phones and tablets often robs our children of these moments. Make these quiet moments part of your everyday routine.

Play is the first step on the path to grit.  Having a passion for something is foundational if you want your child to put in the hard work, time, and commitment necessary to reach a long-term goal.  We’ll examine how to build capacity for deliberate practice in my next article on grit.  In the meantime, feel free to comment or email me questions.

Links to the series on Grit (this is Part 2 in the 4-part series):


Postscript… Are you an adult who doesn’t feel like you’ve found your passion? Think about these questions, posed by Angela Duckworth in her book, Grit: “What do I like to think about? Where does my mind wander? What do I really care about? What matters most to me? …And, in contrast, what do I find absolutely unbearable?” (p. 115)