Drowning in social media: Sink or swim doesn’t work
/I knew she’d need to learn how to swim eventually, but when our daughter, who was 2 at the time, almost drowned in shallow water at Lake Sammamish, I realized we had been too relaxed in our approach to water safety -- she no longer feared entering without a life jacket or one of us to guide her. She had taken swim lessons and been in the water with us and with her older sister that entire summer, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when she confidently stepped into the lake when my back was turned. But she wasn’t ready. She was confident, but unable to stay afloat when the water got too high.
That terrifying afternoon changed me forever. I now understand – viscerally – how a few moments of letting one’s guard down could change your life. We were lucky to have learned that lesson without the consequences that could have come. We shared our story with friends so that they would understand the danger as well, and we never once let our eyes off our girls as they gradually moved from learning to swim to becoming proficient and capable swimmers.
I was reminded of this event recently during a workshop for parents of preteen girls. The topic was social media and technology usage. When do we allow our kids to become active on social media? When should they have a cell phone? How do we monitor how they are doing? The discussion brought me back to the analogy of learning to swim. There was no question that eventually my daughter would learn how to swim on her own, but the process was gradual and required adult intervention at every step. How often are we throwing our kids into the world of social media, then turning our backs and assuming they’ll figure it out on their own? My 2-year-old wasn’t ready to swim on her own. And I see that my 12-year-old is still acquiring the skills she’ll need to navigate her digital world.
So how do we begin?
Have a plan with clear expectations and consequences. Think about the impact introducing social media will have on your family life and your child’s life. Have you observed ways in which it has negatively impacted others? Think through the possibilities and potential consequences. Draft a contract that you can go through together. Here’s the one we used when our oldest child got a phone. We were inspired by Janell Burley Hofmann’s iRules, but decided to organize it around what we value as a family, rather than a simple list of rules.
Set limits. When our kids first begin learning to swim, we do not allow them to explore the full limits of the pool or lake for obvious reasons. In the same way, access to the vast digital universe should also be limited and monitored. Not only are there endless possibilities for images and information, but our children now have a new way of interacting with their friends and a new language they will learn quickly. Limits and ongoing monitoring are borne out of love, though our preteens will not recognize that this is the case for many years. But be strong -- research supports that time on electronic devices should be limited, and that sleeping with your cell phone nearby can be harmful -- especially for growing preteen brains.
One thing at a time. It is true -- texting is the primary way kids communicate today. Hence, texting is a good place to start applying limits and monitoring activity. Begin with one thing. You don’t learn all the strokes in your first swimming lesson. In the same way, your child’s online skills need time to develop. Too often, I see preteens jump in with texting, Instagram, Twitter, and SnapChap all at once. It is too much to juggle. Keep open communication and monitoring those first days and weeks so that you can gently guide and teach proper ways to communicate. If you begin with the expectation that this is a time for learning (e.g., contract!), it will be less divisive and more cooperative. If texting seems to be going well, talk about what they want to add and why. Do your research – many social media apps have age limits. Just because other families choose to disregard them does not mean you should. Do not be afraid to say no. But do be open to listening to and encouraging them in healthy conversation and debate.
Model the behavior you want to see. We don’t live in the water, but it is fun to swim there. In the same way, using technology as a tool for maintaining relationships can be great – but it isn’t the most important way to connect with others. Face-to-face time is (No, not FaceTime!) Nourish the art of conversation. One reason adolescents prefer online communication is because they can perfect their comments, responses, photos, and overall image. But is that the reality we want our kids to believe? Implement no tech time in your household AND FOLLOW IT. Our behavior is much stronger than our words. Allow them to see you without your phone. Keep mealtime tech-free in order to encourage conversation. Did you know that even the presence of a phone lowers the quality of conversation? Use this time to connect with your kids, to listen, and to keep the dialogue open and healthy.
Look for signs of distress. Even when our children can swim, we still monitor their activity in the water. Notice if your child is struggling with relationships, acting differently than they used to, seeming withdrawn or anxious. These are warning signs that the use of social media is not going well. CNN recently published results from an extensive study of the online postings and habits of 200 8th graders. The study found that the more kids checked social media, the more distress they reported. It also found that 94%(!) of parents underestimated the amount of conflict kids experienced online. But the good news is that the negative impact of online conflict was mitigated for kids whose parents tried to monitor their children’s online behavior (they didn’t even have to be perfect at it – just those who tried). So be that protective force.
Know when to step out. If we never let go of our children as they learned to swim, they would never struggle, persevere, and learn to swim on their own. There is a balance between monitoring our children’s online behavior and living our lives through them. As we nurture the skills they need to navigate the digital landscape over time, we must also allow them the freedom to make mistakes, knowing that we are there to listen and support them if needed.
At the core of every individual is a desire to feel a sense of connection and belonging. Entry into the digital social world could jeopardize that connection if not combined with healthy in-person dialogue and friendship. You as a parent are likely the only force in your child's life that can protect them from drowning in social media. Although you will receive resistance, the cost of not implementing change is much greater. But I urge you to do it. In the words of John F. Kennedy, “There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction."
