Cultivating a practice of gratitude in our families
/There is something about the holidays that makes us acutely aware of our children's ability -- or failure -- to express gratitude for the gifts they receive. As a parent, I get disappointed in my children's behavior when it seems they are showered with gifts yet fail to express what I consider an appropriate level of gratitude. As a developmental psychologist, however, I realize that gratitude is a skill that is learned, and matures as our children age. It is also a skill, or practice, that is greatly influenced by our behavior as parents. As 2015 winds down and we gear up for a new year, consider how you can help cultivate your child's practice of gratitude in three concrete areas:
Involve them. Younger children learn through play and stories; as children get older they learn through action and practice. You won't find many examples of gratitude on the Disney channel, but there are beautiful examples in the books we choose to share with our kids. You can find some great ideas here. Books are starting points for you to talk about gratitude and giving back to others. For older children, involve them in choosing a charity to support or going to a shelter or organization to volunteer. Allow their interests to bubble up into doing something tangible for others. After a birthday or holiday loaded with presents, sit with your child and decide how to thank people for their gifts. This can be anything from a traditional thank you note or picture to something more modern, such as a photo, web chat, or video clip your child creates to show their gratitude. Another way to involve the family in the practice of gratitude is to choose a time of day, such as before dinner or bedtime, when you each say 3 to 5 things you are thankful for. Make this a habit. Depending on the age of your children, you may get eye rolls or resistance to this new practice. Push on. Show that this is important to you by repeating it each day.
Show them. Consider how we model gratitude. How do we show our appreciation for the things our children do? Do we notice and thank our kids when they set the table? When they obey without complaint? When hours of sibling play have passed without a fight? Our actions speak louder than words, and our expressions of gratitude are contagious. A few seconds of eye contact, connection, and genuine gratitude are more valuable than a reward or sticker on a chart. In those moments you are also modeling for your child how to show empathy and concern for others and how to connect emotionally and be kind. Allow them to see you modeling gratitude and showing kindness for others as well. What do they see in our small interactions with others? In how we treat the mail delivery person, our neighbor, the woman at Trader Joe's? We won't be perfect at this, and it's also important to acknowledge our mistakes (e.g., "boy, I wish I hadn't lost my temper with that salesperson; he was just doing his job.")
Teach them. There will be times that modeling or involving kids in the practice of gratitude isn't enough. When our children are younger, learning how to be polite and gracious is a skill to be taught. For example, "When someone gives you a present, it is polite to look at them in the eye and say thank you. Let's practice that." If this is a skill your child struggles with, role play various situations. Pretend you are getting a horrible gift and try to come up with as many ways to be gracious as you can! ("Thank you so much for the fuzzy sweater. I can see you worked really hard making that.") Mistakes will be made, but they are also a great launching point for teaching and practicing the right way to show gratitude next time. Punishments or shaming children in front of others will not result in the behavior you may desire, but practicing the right way to do things next time will change behavior because you are laying the foundation and forming the neuronal connections for the behavior you want to see.
As you reflect on the holiday season and desire to see more gratitude expressed in your family, I hope these guidelines help you think of concrete ways to begin the process at home. Happy holidays and a Joyful New Year!
