Stem the Tide of Change
/In my last post, I said there were two options for dealing with the fact that everything changes -- embrace it and be happy or fight it and be sad. I realize this was a bit simplistic. Yes, life is defined by change. Rather than reacting strongly against it, we can use times of challenge and change to allow our children to develop resilience and grit. But fighting against change doesn't necessarily bring sadness.
We cannot stop change, but we stem its potential negative impact by choosing consistency and predictability in certain areas of our home and family life. When things are changing or chaotic in our children's physical, social, or emotional life, they need to be able to depend on the fact that some things do not change.
Benefits of family routines
Research overwhelmingly suggests that consistency and predictability in one’s family routines result in positive outcomes for kids and teenagers.a Three key protective factors appear to be the most important: Family routines, family traditions, and emotional consistency. I’ll discuss family routines this week and continue with the latter two next week.
Routines provide the structure and stability needed when the world around (and within) your child is changing. This is one of the first things I discuss with clients — especially those with young children. Not only does a predictable routine enable your child to feel safe and secure, but it is also one of the first steps to creating an organized mind and to mitigating power struggles.
1. Structure and security amidst change
In my parenting workshops and seminars, we go into great depth on how best to come up with consistent, positive, repeatable evening and morning routines (spoiler: if your child is not involved in creating these, they will have little effect). First, I’d like to highlight the routine that appears to have the strongest positive impact for children and teens of all ages, across all socioeconomic strata, and for a wide range of cognitive, behavioral, and health outcomes. What is this magic routine? Consistent family mealtimes. Yes, all of you, at a table, eating and talking together.
For many of my clients, there is a sense of being overwhelmed with all the parenting expectations that are internally or externally placed on us. It is difficult to untangle how to prioritize our time and energy. So I will make this very simple - prioritize regular family mealtimes. Eating together as a family sounds mundane, but it provides a multitude of benefits including:
- a consistent structure to your child’s evening,
- numerous opportunities for family cooperation and contribution (setting and clearing the table, helping to prepare or plan the meal),
- opportunities to observe a healthy model of adult interaction,
- modeling and practicing healthy eating habits,
- gives parents an opportunity to unobtrusively check in on their child’s mood and well being,
- provides a relaxed context for conversation and support.
If there is only one thing you change about your current family schedule, let it be finding more time together for family meals. If you need more convincing, or just love statistics and research like I do, the American College of Pediatricians has a thorough summary of the myriad positive impacts of consistent family mealtimes here.
2. Foundation for cognitive development
Another benefit of routines and structure is the external support they provide for nurturing children’s cognitive development. We hear a lot of talk about the importance of the prefrontal cortex — the place where planning and strategy and complex thinking operate. That area of the brain is in a continual state of growth, which speeds up during puberty, but is not fully mature until one’s early 20s. Children and teens (and, let’s face it, adults too) need the power of habit and repetition (i.e., external reminders) to strengthen the neuronal pathways that eventually create an organized mind (i.e., internalized structure).
Consider, if you will, the first day of preschool or kindergarten. In every setting I’ve observed (and there have been hundreds), there is a clear expectation and routine for how you put away your backpack and coat, what you do when you arrive in the classroom, and what behavior is expected in class. This routine creates multiple neuronal connections in your child’s brain. There are fewer unknowns, which can cause anxiety, and a clear understanding of expectations, which strengthens the prefrontal cortex.
Does your child have the same clear expectations when they come home? I realize that we are not raising robots and that there is imperfection in implementing and following through on these habits, but it is worth the effort. Having your child involved in coming up with daily routines strengthens their cognitive skills. For example, when I work with parents on implementing a consistent evening routine, I encourage them to ask their child about what they need every day (clothes to wear, backpack ready to go, etc.) and how doing certain things the night before might make for an easy, calm morning. Children as young as 3 can come up with a list of things they can do at night. Guess what muscle they are exercising when they try to think ahead? Yes! The prefrontal cortex of the brain.
3. Alternative to power struggles
A wonderful side effect emerges when we work with our children to implement morning and evening routines. Having an external routine - that your child was instrumental in creating - decreases conflict and power struggles. Rather than nagging your child to brush your teeth, put your pajamas on, (…insert whah whah voice from Charlie Brown because that is all they hear after a while), you instead ask where they are in their evening routine. You can even go a step further and challenge them to see which of you can do your evening routine faster. The routine becomes the boss and your child’s independence is rewarded; rather than creating a situation where he or she must defy your wishes in order to exert their independence.
Implementing family routines — especially regular family mealtimes — is one of the most effective ways to stem the potential negative impact of change. Your children are on a journey that requires constant change, but the consistency and dependability of family routines provides security and structure, helps bolster their cognitive development, and eases the power struggles that are a regular part of growing up.
If you are struggling with how to incorporate these changes in your family life, schedule some time with me or talk to friends about what works for them. In the coming weeks, we’ll examine two more ways to provide structure and predictability: Family traditions and emotional consistency.
aA few studies on the benefits of routines:
