How NOT to alienate your thinking child
/I have a child who talks... a LOT. (Ok, I may have more than one who does this, but I'm not naming names -- or attributing which parent they may have gotten this from.) As a result, I have become very good at "tuning out" but am noticing that this tactic of mine will undermine a few of my goals for her, which are that she become a confident and interesting person, as well as a kind and loving person. If I ignore her observations of the world around her or her questions, she will come to believe that what she has to say is not important or worthy. If I ignore the negative things she says about herself or others, she will decide it's OK to think the worst about those we love in our life.
OK, so I'm not going to ignore everything. But it's HARD to know what my response should be. If I responded to every comment, question, and observation, there would never be peace in our home. We would literally be talking all. the. time. If I counter every negative comment with "that's not nice," or "we shouldn't talk that way," I'm sure to get more eye-rolls than behavior change. So I've developed a strategy for dealing with some of these words and would love to share it with you.
Interesting ideas or questions. The magic phrase here is "I wonder..." Is your child asking endless questions that create an unanswerable loop? Sure, you may have the answer they are looking for and a few "I don't know's" can work for a bit, but at some point you reach the end. All these questions are coming from an active mind, which is what we want! So how do we respond so that they can be encouraged thinkers? "No, I'm not sure what would happen if a bumble bee and a bobcat became friends... but I wonder..." Allow them a chance to wrestle with the implications. To think of the consequences. To struggle with the unknown.
This also works well for questions that may be beyond their understanding or developmental level. Parents often struggle with how to handle questions regarding death or the future. It is OK to wonder out loud with our kids. To not have all the answers but to give them the safety and space to wonder.
Negative talk. I remember the first time I heard my child say, "I'm fat." It seemed to be a "casting" move -- those things kids say to see how you will react -- not ones that come from their true beliefs. So I played it cool, said something like, "really?" and didn't fixate on the comment (tho kept on the lookout for any other behaviors that might indicate the need to go deeper). With casting comments, the less attention beamed on it, the better. But once you notice recurring themes being repeatedly expressed, intervention is required.
So, how do we challenge negative self-talk without alienating our child? My favorite phrase here is "that is an interesting story you're telling yourself." In this phrase we are not directly challenging our child's opinion, but offering them a safe way to consider other options. Let's use the example of negative self talk as it relates to athletic performance. Your daughter repeatedly tells you how horribly she will do at the dance competition this weekend. You could 1) tell her she'll be great (thus ignoring the actual feelings she's expressing), 2) tell her not to say that (thus negating the feelings she's expressed), or 3) observe that she is telling herself an interesting story (thus acknowledging what she is saying but not agreeing with it). The first two options don't open the door for additional dialogue, while the third allows further discussion. You've proved yourself to be a good listener and you can follow up with, "Are there other ways to look at that?" or "I've noticed how hard you've been working, so I'm surprised to hear you feel that way."
These are the two areas I'll be focusing on in the coming weeks. I hope it challenges my habit of "tuning out" and creates more opportunities for connection -- not just with my talkative child, but with the whole crew.
