Middle School parents don't feel great about their parenting skills

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But that's OK! In all areas of my life -- including parenting -- I want to cultivate a growth mindset. The idea that I don't have to be perfect at everything. That mistakes I make are opportunities for growth and learning, not shaming. That if I'm not good at something, I can work at it and get better. That there is power in saying I have "not yet" learned a skill -- but can. If I'm modeling a growth mindset in my own life, it's more likely to get through to my kids than if I'm lecturing them about the latest cool thing I heard Carol Dweck say.

The problem.

But back to our problem -- in a study of over 2000 well-educated mothers, moms of middle schoolers feel "more anxious, dissatisfied and doubtful" about their parenting compared to parents of kids at any other age. Middle school is a time of changes for both parents and kids. Our middle schoolers are learning to become more independent and to juggle more complex school assignments and social relationships while combating the many changes puberty brings. As parents, we begin to view our children as more grown up and able to take on new responsibilities and independence, but often don't know what to do with out-of-the-blue outbursts of emotion or anger, poor decision making, or failure to think through the consequences of actions. It is a time when we feel like we should be good at this "parenting thing" because we've had a decade or so of experience, but we seem to come up short over and over. We conquered breastfeeding, bottles, diapers, toilet training, temper tantrums, the "Terrible 2s, 3s, and 4s," and then sailed through elementary school with relatively few bumps along the road. Now we have entered uncharted territory.

The solution.

The first step in this new journey is to look back at what you did before. Many new parents sign up for classes, read books, and get together with other parents to share their struggles and victories. It is powerful and important to continue to share our parenting struggles and learn from each other as our kids enter the middle school years. The middle school years are just as complicated -- if not more so -- and beg for the same degree of information gathering and support, but recent studies indicate that parents of middle schoolers are not getting what they need. Researchers at Wake Forest University followed mothers and fathers of children age 11 to 12 over a three-year period. Over this time, parents indicated a significant drop in their confidence to discipline, influence, and communicate with their child. The leading causes of parent's lack of confidence?

  • Puberty-related changes in their children
  • Decline in parent-child communication
  • Belief in negative teenage stereotypes

Parents of middle schoolers often lack knowledge about the physical, cognitive, emotional, and social changes their children are undergoing. Moreover, their relationships with and support from other parents of middle school children are also lacking. As our children enter middle school, the support and camaraderie fostered among parents of elementary-age children drops off as parents are no longer encouraged to be in the classroom or participate in school-wide events. Lack of knowledge about this key developmental period combined with little support from peers are a "perfect storm" that contributes to parents' lack of confidence and heightened feeling of disengagement and detachment.

So go back to what you did when you first entered the world of parenthood -- arm yourself with knowledge about this time of adolescence. And to truly benefit from this knowledge, do it in a group with other parents so that you can support each other as you navigate the challenges and victories of raising a middle schooler.

Resources

  • Want more info on puberty? Go to a Great Conversations class with your preteen son or daughter. Julie Metzger is amazing and demystifies the often awkward conversations we want to have with our kids. Years after attending with my daughter, we still refer to one of her funny stories or something we learned in the class together.
  • Want to get educated and feel supported in your parenting journey? Contact your workplace or school to see if they will host a parent group. I frequently lead 4-session parent groups at Starbucks' Headquarters and other local businesses. I also hold workshops for parents at schools or in their homes. We look at the context of middle school -- the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional changes our kids face -- and how we can help support them and each other. I can provide you with resources to help get a group started (just use the "contact me" box to the right).
  • Want a good book or two? The Teenage Brain by Frances E. Jensen, Brainstorm by Daniel J. Siegel, Mindset by Carol Dweck, and Raising a Thinking Preteen by Myrna Shure -- and those are just a selection of the ones that focus on brain development!
  • What do you think? Share your favorite resources in the comments section or contact me with any questions